中場

中場沒有太多意義。


曾經我站在這個人家門口跟他聊了幾個小時，莫名奇妙的聊得很來。
曾經，他看著我說「你就是一臉幸福的樣子」，我才意識到原來自己陷入了什麼樣的情形。


有很多時候我是慢半拍的那種類型。


總之啦我也知道硬推別人是不對我也知道默默靜寂就好。
但是我想要眼睛。


他跟我說：我沒有形象，但是你這篇寫得好順對話很自然。和之前你的感覺比起來。


我說， 其實有點受傷，但感覺上還是明顯感覺得出來：我不知道，可能我有LV UP。
有點得意也有點不知所措。


我怕我心中推演的局太薄弱，不過，那個好像也不是那麼重要喔？
或許我只是想找個人阻止我黑化故事走向……？


可能我只是累了，所以對正劇無感？
這件事很可怕。


欸其實一開始的單純維持下去就好了吧。想要寫完所以寫完。



-----------------------


我好像非得找出一個什麼來把自己的腦袋洗空才可以繼續下去。
不或許也只是天氣太冷我太累太殘破。


聽起來神經病的歌其實很哀傷。


我說的是blue october  ； 靜下來才能體會到很多事情。

認真把那個MV看完時有種被觸動想哭的心情。
那是個懺悔。最觸動的那一幕就是當媽媽為梳了龐克頭畫了濃妝的兒子拍照。

另一首DIRTROOM也好好聽。很奇怪的洗腦歌。


--------------------------


I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? 
and will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space


Hate me today 
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things i didnt do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow 
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you 


I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you 
helped me with 
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch 
again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the 
fight 
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind 
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind



Hate me today 
Hate me tomorrow 
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you 
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow 
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you 


And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave 
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made 
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away" just make a smile 
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?"


Hate me today 
Hate me tomorrow 
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you 
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow 
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you. 


For you
For you
For you